


obsessed with you

by Mother_North



Series: Tainted love [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Complicated Relationships, Dark, Emotional Hurt, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Introspection, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Graphic Violence, Obsession, Psychology, Sexual Content, hints at abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 18:14:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21432565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mother_North/pseuds/Mother_North
Summary: Javier was obsessed with him…only him.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: Tainted love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1654807
Comments: 4
Kudos: 62





	obsessed with you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Puniyo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puniyo/gifts).

> Yuzuvier AU. Angst, unhealthy obsession, hints at violence and inner turmoil.  
For Puniyo. Get well soon.
> 
> RPF disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and it is not meant to offend anyone. It is a product of author’s imagination only. All thoughts, actions and emotions described below have nothing to do with reality.

**

Javier slams the door shut, sits down on his neat bed and hides his face in his hands. The room is eerie and still, solitude suffocating. Silence is creeping from its dark corners – nearer and nearer with each breath he takes, its hollow eye sockets staring, nightfall descending. Javier’s heartbeat is thrumming in his temples, deafening. Complete devastation sucks in his vital forces, takes away his inner strength, makes the flow of disjointed thoughts halt in his head…

There’s amok reigning supreme in his agitated mind, wild fire raging in his chest, his feelings burning like deadwood, only scattered ashes left in its wake.

Javier’s gaze is fixed on the ceiling which reminds him of an arch of a sepulcher, as if he were buried alive and the thing is he really _feels this way_. His face is statuesque, a lifeless mask, bloodless lips pressed into a thin line. It seems he hasn’t uttered a single word for an eternity already, his throat as dry as a sandpaper; _useless_. It must be the exact way in which one passes into nothingness, all senses turning numb, as only overwhelming indifference and torpor remain.

Each following breath is harder to take.

_Why? Why? Why?_

One word stuck in his consciousness like a splinter. Why wanting something, why aspiring towards something, why continuing existing at all..?

The last six months turned into a nightmare for Javier, a cruel reality from which there’s no salvation even in the arms of Morpheus.

He has lost _him_. The invisible thread binding them once is severed now. His fingers don’t smell of _him_ anymore, they don’t sense the warmth of _his_ body. He seems like an obsessive mirage to Javier; _fata morgana_ to poison him slowly and inevitably, a phantom pain in his mortified soul.

Javier burnt down all of their photos on the very first night after the cataclysm. He deleted his mobile contact. He was sitting on the floor hunched up and withdrawn, staring at a spot on the wall unblinkingly, frozen in space and time. His back ached dully and thousand tiny needles were piercing his limbs but Javier ignored the desperate signals of his body, as if it didn’t belong to him anymore. His thoughts were wandering off far away, to a different dimension where _they_ _were still together_.

Javier will never forget their first meeting on a completely unremarkable and ordinary Monday morning. Javier practically overslept, donning his crumpled beige cloak on before heading to the door of his apartment, the bitterness of traditional black coffee tart on his tongue. He forgot his umbrella on that day (as usual).

Dirty clouds watched him from above thoughtfully and the autumn air was filled with the smell of dead leaves and humidity. He barely made it to a tramcar stop when the heavens opened and a sudden downpour began, blurring faces of passersby and silhouettes of surrounding buildings, streets swiftly turning into shifting mass of hurrying people, trying to find refuge from the rain.

Swearing under his breath, Javier cast a glance at his wristwatch. A stern reprimand for being late again seemed inevitable at that point.

“Hello, Chloe! Yes, it’s me – Fernandez! I got a dousing and now I am dripping wet! Will you please apologize to Mr. Griffits for me! I’ll stay some extra hours! I promise! Thank you!”

Javier was grateful to his colleague for saving his ass due to force majeure circumstances, which unfortunately used to happen way more often than his extremely pedantic boss Mr. Griffits would like to. Javier wouldn’t mind at all to get teleported immediately into his small office, where numerous manuscripts were awaiting to be edited. Javier has been working at a publishing company for little more than a year and the current job wasn’t particularly interesting, yet it provided some decent income. Javier’s eyes used to hurt from staring into the computer monitor but he didn’t like to complain.

Javier entered the overcrowded café, his spectacles sliding to the bridge of his nose during brisk walking. The downpour had to stop soon and Javier decided to wait inside, besides he sensed a distinct cool tingle starting to crawl under his skin. Shaking droplets off his wet curly hair, Javier looked around: not a single table free, which was not surprising at all, if one is to take into account the inclement weather outside. A heavy sigh was ready to escape Javier’s parted lips, as he suddenly felt someone pulling him by the sleeve of his miserably drenched cloak.

“You can sit down here, at my table! I don’t mind!”

Javier still remembered with clarity that the first thing that caught his eye in Yuzuru’s whole appearance were his unbelievably fragile-looking, delicate wrists and long elegant fingers. His hands were truly _beautiful_ – almost womanly refined with manicured short nails; a pair of beaded onyx agate bracelets being in stark contrast to his ivory, pale skin.

“Thank you,” Javier breathed out, his ears turning red unexpectedly. He tried to squeeze himself at the little round table next to the young man in the confined space of the artificial leather seat. The black-haired lad seemingly forgot about his existence, his mobile phone in his hands, hooded eyes staring at the screen fixedly.

Javier was devouring his countenance with his eyes: the delicate features, the exquisite arch of his cupid’s bow, the long raven bangs peeking out from underneath the hood of his grey sweatshirt; he looked _young_, a first-year student or a high school graduate – Javier couldn’t tell for sure.

That fated downpour brought them together.

Javier can’t help but return to that exact day and to that exact café in his memories again and again, his consciousness overflown with various stills: Javier offering to buy the young man a cup of coffee and Yuzuru choosing hot chocolate with marshmallow instead; a tiny droplet remaining in the corner of his lush lips which he licked away with his pink tongue, batting his long eyelashes innocently – everything is etched in Javier’s memory in the smallest details.

Yuzuru loved sweets and even sickly sweetness turned into pure deliciousness once on his tongue and lips: be it peanut butter, his favorite strawberry shortcake, honey with some ginger, vanilla ice-cream with almond hardbake and chocolate crispies, lemon-flavored sponge-cake, apple strudel with cinnamon or a dessert with some whipped cream and soufflé…

It was beyond Javier’s comprehension how in the seventh hell Yuzuru still managed to stay as lean as a rake with such appetite. He seemingly consisted of unexplainable mysteries – an irrational and spontaneous force of nature. Yuzuru always managed to make Javier’s heart skip a beat with his dashing smile. In the most mysterious of ways his silky skin always smelled of milk and honey, when Javier buried his nose into the special spot at the base of his long neck to kiss a tiny mole there. Yuzuru’s thin arms used to pull Javier’s face close only to shove away the next minute, both demanding and giving, his sharp nails digging into Javier’s shoulder blades to leave telltale red marks on his skin.

In his small palms he held Javier’s dear life. Yuzuru was the sole center of his existence. Every night, as Javier returned home after a day of work at the office, he couldn’t wait to lay his hands on his younger lover. He was good at reading signs, knew full well of all of Yuzuru’s rituals and whims. He could guess the tiniest changes in his mood without a mistake. Pouting lips signified that Javier needed to plead for forgiveness, furrowed brow in its turn was a harbinger of periods of dark mood, which Javier learnt to fight with a special tactics of alternating tenderness and emotional support.

They could remain silent hours on end but at night Yuzuru would always find himself in Javier’s bed. He would curl up against his side, seeking bodily warmth like a stray kitten, needing his attention and loving care.

“Jaaavi, Effie has scratched me again! Just have a look!”

Javier traced the thin scratch with his moist tongue, shaking badly from the onslaught of _raw_ want. He took Yuzuru into his arms to bring him to the bedroom or simply put him on the low cocktail table in the living room to take apart with his fingers and mouth. Effie always retreated, as if those moments of the sweetest torment belonged only to the two of them.

If someone had ever dared to tell Javier that one could love _so much_, he would have only laughed in his face dismissively.

_“Needing you inside, Javi, hurry….please…”_

Yuzuru could be brazen and impulsive, wild and unruly – giving himself to Javier with shameless abandon, letting him take his body over and over, letting Javier do anything to him; the only thing he wanted in return was the man’s soul, his heart, his mere ability to live and breathe _without_ Yuzuru.

Javier gave Yuzuru his all, without regrets and without wavering – on the night they made love for the very first time. They stormed into Javier’s compact apartment laughing, drunk on anticipatory thrill, as their heated bodies gravitated towards each other like a pair of magnets.

Javier had never wanted anyone more in his whole life.

He tore off Yuzuru’s clothes with his trembling hands, left bruising open-mouthed kisses on his tender neck and collarbones, bit at the pert little nipple, making the lean, sculptured body melt in his arms. He was studying each centimeter of Yuzuru’s unblemished, perfect skin meticulously: his godlike lines and curves, spots that made him moan obscenely loud and tore breathless whines out of his throat. Javier moved his fingers inside Yuzuru’s tightness, curving experimentally to coax the sweetest of sounds that made his head swim with arousal. Yuzuru’s taut body arched into him, once he found the right angle and Javier wouldn’t have traded those precious moments of bliss for the whole of eternity.

Javier used to torture him for hours on end, his own desire raging like a wild fire, licking at his guts, as he wanted nothing more than to finally slip inside, to become one with his unimaginable and beautiful _Yuzu_.

Javier opens his heavy eyelids, harsh reality sinking in slowly. Memories are tormenting him ruthlessly, inflicting almost physical pain. He drags himself to the bathroom on an autopilot. He can barely register scorching water beating down on his head and shoulders. Javier is rubbing at his skin, short fingernails scratching to draw blood – he needs to find a way to extinguish the dark flame in his chest.

Nothing can dispel Yuzuru’s enticing image in his mind: _in here_ he was catching his sensual groans with his lips, _in here_ he heard his own name cried out repeatedly in a paroxysm of lust, Yuzuru’s choked pleas laced with desperation ricocheting from the tiled bathroom walls.

_“Do you love me?! Tell me!” _

_“I love you!”_

_“Say it again!”_

_“I love you! I love you!”_

Javier brought his fingers to his mouth, whispering ecstatically. He lost himself in Yuzuru’s dark eyes, hitting the rock bottom, not even making an attempt to escape his fate.

“Mine…mine…you belong to me!” Javier was pounding Yuzuru into the bedsheets hard and fast, each word accentuated with the push of his muscular hips.

_Come back…come back…come back…_

Embracing his shivering form with his hands, Javier burst into tears. It became unbearably cold.

_“You are frightening me, Javi! Please, don’t! Stop! Let me go! You are hurting me!”_

Javier is worrying his lower lip with his teeth, copper flavor filling his mouth. He wants to silence this feeble voice from the past. He completely lost control back then in a fit of jealousy. He displayed his violent side in all of its unhinged ugliness, demanding evidence of Yuzuru’s unconditional love, being unable to stop in his pursue of submission and penitence.

Only later did he realize that his suspicions were groundless.

The back of Yuzuru’s hand burned Javier’s one cheek, then – the other. It wasn’t hard for Javier to overpower that frail body, making Yuzuru capitulate under the onslaught of his savage caresses.

In the aftermath, Yuzuru was lying motionless like a broken mannequin, his face buried in the pillow. He was silent and Javier was listening to his erratic breathing. He was afraid of touching him, self-loath threatening to swallow him up wholly. Javier despised his self-abandonment, praying to all the gods for Yuzuru to pardon him. He needed to find a way to amend the catastrophic situation.

“C’mon, hit me! Hit me too! You want to! C’mon, _do it_!”

Javier’s straining voice was brimming with shame and despair, unshed tears glistening in his wild eyes.

Yuzuru turned his head slowly to face him, his porcelain cheeks tear-stained and his quivering bottom lip split.

Javier slapped himself then. _Hard_. Bright spots appearing to dance in front of his eyes.

He fell to his knees, his head hanging low, his arms stretched towards Yuzuru in a wordless plea. He showered his delicate ankles and narrow feet with frantic kisses, he caressed marks his own teeth and fingers left, as they appeared on the boy’s tender skin. He was whispering apologies nonstop, his voice cracked.

Javier was going insane; back then – _from_ Yuzuru and now – _without_ him.

Two types of madness.

Cold bedsheets wrapped around Javier’s body remind him of cerement. He realizes with unforgiving clarity that if only Yuzuru had called him just now, asking to step out of the window, Javier would do it without hesitating, not even regretting the irredeemable act because he’d at least have an opportunity to hear Yuzuru’s melodious voice _one last time_.

He’d be dead by now but it wouldn’t be in vain.

_I hope you have forgiven me for letting myself loving you too much, for turning you into the center of my universe, for wanting to become your whole life; for not making you stay and for not letting you go. You are still here… by my side…In my dreams while I am sleeping and in my thoughts while I am wide awake. I am still maddeningly in love with you. _

_I am obsessed with you._

Javier literally jumps at the shrilly sound of his mobile phone ringtone, dead silence of the room disrupted.

“Javi…”

**


End file.
